Compulsions, Perfectionism, Procrastination & Control

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

I tend to be somewhat compulsive in certain areas. Am I OCD or just trying to keep control? Perfectionism is a sign of needing to control things. I used to have two recurring nightmares. In one, I would go completely blind unexpectedly.

In the other, I would be driving a vehicle and I can't stop the vehicle. Sometimes it was going uphill and I would keep sliding backwards. Other times, someone was chasing me. As a child, when I had nightmares, I could always fly away. If those who were after me could fly, I could fly higher and faster.

I was well into my 60s when I finally realized these were all about control, and the lack of it in my real life. I no longer have any of these dreams (nightmares), but I am still compulsive about some things. Like the placement of objects. Come to my desk and move something, I will move it back as soon as you leave. I remember my desk at work, my pens had a specific place and order.

Even something as silly as eating M&Ms. I put them all in row by colors, and eat in a specific manner. The ones with just a few get eaten first. Then the rest get eaten until I have an equal number of all the colors. After that, well, I just enjoy.

I've gotten much better about tamping down my perfectionism gene. I'm sure it was a product of my childhood and being the oldest along with a mother who was a perfectionist (mostly due to her upbringing as a foster child). 

My mother worked as a nurse and I quickly took on the task of babysitting my two younger brothers. I excelled in school (without really trying too hard) and did the same in my work. I advanced to a VP level in one company, I was one of three IT consultants that covered a programming language across the country, and all done without a college degree. At that point, my perfectionism worked FOR me, not AGAINST me.

But it can work against me. Procrastination, a sign that my perfectionism is jabbing me. Another compulsion.